Tuesday, June 25, 2019

I Risked My Whole Heart

I just had a powerful conversation, and I realized it's time to share this.

I risked my whole heart for a woman I loved, and I want to continue to do that. I want to risk my whole heart in relationships, and in every aspect of my life, my career, my passion projects... because not jumping off the ledge into the abyss has become more painful than anything I have experience through heartache.

I wouldn't recommend literally jumping out of an airplane without a parachute for love, but I would highly recommend doing that same thing, metaphorically, to anyone who is wondering to themselves, is it worth the risk?

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When we risk our whole heart for something we believe in, we risk feeling the deep emotions that will follow.

When I look back, I think of something Brené Brown said about foreboding joy, in an interview with Oprah. At first, when I heard her talk about it, I didn't understand it, but when I read about it in her book, Daring Greatly, it started to make sense. What I have discovered in my own experience of risking my whole heart is, the thing I resisted more than anything was allowing myself to feel good. I thought I it would be some sort of pain: sadness, anger, or fear...

Talk about "Ah Ha" moments!!!

No wonder I have spent so much of my time feeling like crap. I have been berating myself with all of my strength, so that I won't feel joy.

Let me explain...

When I experienced the most challenging part of my past relationship, there was a point where it seemed to reach a heightened intensity. At the time, I thought that I was in excruciating pain. I thought that moment was the most difficult and painful moment of my life.

She left. How could she do that? I'm crushed. Holy shit. Am I dying? What is happening to me? How could she...???

These were the thoughts that I was thinking at the time.

But, were they really accurate? 

They were certainly causing me a lot of stress.

I have to mention another pioneer at this point who wrote an incredible book, and gave one of my favorite Ted Talks, Kelly McGonigal. 

She talks about how the belief that stress is bad for us is one of the leading causes of death. In fact, it was the "15th largest cause of death in the United States" the year prior to her talk.

This is amazing because, my pain was completely tied up in the judgment that what I was feeling was killing me.

I have changed my view of this, and I am still working on it.

But, I am 100% grateful for that moment. In fact, it was the most powerful, and empowering moment in my life.

I want to be specific, now, on what the gift was...

It was a gift from me, to me. Period. 

It was not a gift from her. It was not a gift from God, because everything is a gift from God. Everything is grace.

The important thing I noticed is what I have given to myself: I allowed myself... To feel what I was feeling... And to receive it, without... judgement.

I want to be crystal clear here, so I will say it again.

I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. At first, I thought I was dying. I thought it was killing me. And, then, out years of a daily practice of meditation, I came to realize that the feeling I was experiencing was, in fact, joy. I was experiencing exuberant, and overwhelmingly positive and wonderful joy and bliss.

I want to point out the energetic power of joy...

It is absolutely imperative that we are open to experiencing joy (and even bliss), if we really want to be creative. 

Brené Brown's research points out clearly that innovative, creativity, and change has a it's foundation in vulnerability.*

When we are vulnerable with ourselves, and our emotions, we open to the possibility of experiencing joy.

allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, and I noticed that I was calling it names. I was name-calling my emotions. 

And, I am not saying people don't grieve, and that people aren't sad. When you are sad, you are sad. That is the reality in the moment.

But, when we revisit those traumatic events, which we do on every single situation whether we think so or not, we have an opportunity to reframe our thinking in the moment. We have the opportunity to remind ourselves of who we really are, that we are building up our overall energy through perseverance, and that we are courageous, and brave, and experiencing something powerful.

We have the opportunity, when we are revisiting trauma to reframe our thinking. We can, over time, with support, and patience, and asking for help, we can reframe our experience of pain, and become empowered by the simple act of allowing ourselves to feel it, without judgment.

I'll say it again, we can reframe and resolve painful emotions, by embracing them the way we embrace a crying child, with compassion, kindness, and patience. 

We don't judge the child, or kick it, or ignore it. We hold it in our arms and place all of our love and attention so that it can feel safe and comforted.

In the same way, when we are able to get vulnerable with our own hearts, and notice the underlying beliefs that are adding to our suffering, we can shift our perspective and potentially eliminate suffering immediately and completely. 

And, it won't work every single time. 

It's just like a child riding a bicycle. They are going to fall. No use in being in denial about it.

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When I started to allow myself to feel the heartache, it took a daily practice of meditation and self I, in order to notice the thoughts that were self-defeating. 

And then, I found a great book...

First, before I talk about The Presence Process by Micheal Brown, I want to mention Byron Katie who developed a method of self-inquiry that she calls The Work, which I practiced daily for over ten years, between 15 minutes and 15 hours per day.

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The Presence Process was something I devoted a full year of my life to. I went through the self-facilitated process in the book 7 times, and continue to rely on the tools I learned in the process. Essentially, I relearned how to feel what I was feeling. 

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Now, when I think of that moment in time of our relationship split, I see a light beam in my heart, I feel joy, and gratitude, and I feel like I am on a basketball court dunking a ball so hard that the backboard breaks, and the crowd cheers. I feel like I am in the zone. Where is pain, when I am in an elevated state of energy.

I misunderstood the Buddhist saying, "All life is suffering."

My interpretation was, "All life is suffering, so just accept it. You are going to frickin' suffer, so you have no choice but to suck it up, and shut down your heart. There is no hope for relief, until death, and even then you might go to hell, so you might as well get some practice shutting down your wicked heart, that is beyond cure."

I want to ask you, as you read that just now, how did that make you feel?

It.. made. me.. feel...... like ..... I am completely unworthy of love. It made me feel homeless.

It made me feel like crap, essentially.

My interpretation of "All life is suffering," is this:

Everyone can relate to sadness, anger, grief, and fear. Even if our pain level is only 1 out of 100, everyone knows what it is like to suffer. But, it doesn't mean we shouldn't devote ourselves to eliminate unnecessary suffering.

If I am in pain over a loss, why would I add suffering it by berating myself for being sad.

We wouldn't add suffering to our neighbor who just lost their favorite pet, by digging it up and throwing it through their window? 

But, that's what we do to ourselves when we stay stuck in our pain. It doesn't mean we aren't trying hard enough. It just means we don't have the tools. Not yet.

My invitation is to begin to be open to the idea that we can affect our overall emotional well-being, and be empowered to shift it from its current state of pain to living, predominantly in the zone, powered by bliss, joy, and peace, while staying open to every shade of feeling, without judging it with self-defeating concepts, and ideas.

I will not forget to mention the importance of asking for help. I am always open to seeking the advice of a professional. If we are not able to get unstuck, and we feel powerless, it imperative to not wait. We need to contact a doctor, immediately, for support. 

I have made this mistake too many times to count, and I am working on noticing earlier, when I need to call a physician. 






* “vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” from her 2012 Ted Talk

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