Lifting Myself Up Out of Pain to Empowerment

This is a great day because I am loved, and there is a sea of angels surrounding me. 

This is a great day because I am first loved by the captain of my soul, my biggest cheerleader, and the champion of my heart, Matthew Hardy.

That is a relief.

This is a great day because I am so grateful to know that I can rest in the knowledge that if I am stuck on a dessert island, which is a great metaphor for being stuck in our minds... 

If I am on a dessert island, I can be free, and I can overcome any obstacle; that I can survive, and thrive, and be full of energy, and light, and magic, and feel great. 

This is a great day because I am developing the tools that can lift me up out of fear.

This is a great day because I am on a journey through challenges, and difficulties, and I am free to make mistakes, and fall down, and not get it right the first time.

This is a great day because I feel gratitude.

This is a great day because I am willing to listen to other people talk about their experience and their story, and it can be scary to take that it, but it can't hurt me. I don't have to believe it. Another person's truth may not work for me. I am free to choose my own. I am free to choose what works for me.

This is a great day because I am reminded that sarcasm doesn't work for me, unless it lightens a serious mood, and I am crystal clear with my use of it, even actually saying the words "I am joking," or "I am being sarcastic, here." This is a great day because I am learning to be patient with other people who use sarcasm, and I end up feeling confused.

I want to point out that I am faced with the choice, right now, to either go into a rant from the point of view of someone who believes God is a sadistic prick, or to continue spinning each phrase to a positive uplifting statement. I am choosing to spin my phrases toward a positive uplifting statement, because this is my life, and I am creating a life that is full of feeling good, and even great. I am no longer a champion for suffering. I am no longer interested in feeling like crap. I want to feel good!!! I want to feel great!!! I don't want to feel depressed and down, and upset, and disappointed... 

So, I am going to choose to write the words that make me feel good...

This is a great day because I felt disappointment, but I didn't let that pain turn into suffering; I did not let it turn into resentment toward the person who sounded sarcastic to me. 

This is a great day because I realized I just didn't understand where they were coming from, and I asked myself, is this conversation worth one more moment of my time? No? And, I said, done!!!

Now, I find it helpful to have a little healthy debate with myself, to play a little Devil's Advocate: You say you don't want to feel depressed, isn't that avoiding your feelings?

And, I would say, thank you. I can see your point, and I am very interested in feeling my feelings, I am just not interested in judging my feelings as "sad, angry, stressed-out, and anxious." My emotions are fuel for me. When I start to see my feelings as an enemy to be feared, or to fight against, that can exhaust me, and wear me out. Thank you for the question.

This is a great day because my suffering is over. There is always a way out, and the way out is through our emotions. 

This is a great day because the way out is through the emotions we are feeling. On the way in, toward feeling, we might call it pain, but afterward we might call it something else. I choose to call it "good."

The disappointment I was feeling was an opportunity to resolve my judgements about that particular shade/color of feeling; the energy I was feeling was a fuel, to be used to propel me forward. If I am unresolved, about what that disappointment energy is for, then it can lead to great suffering in my life. And, if I can get to the point where I am seeing disappointment as an opportunity, rather than something to be avoided, the feeling itself will be less jarring to my senses, and less uncomfortable to my body. Disappointment will actually be transformed into something beautiful. For me, the word disappointment can feel heavy, and depressing, and pleasing to the ego, that would rather stay stuck, then risk feeling joy, and the fulfillment of a completed goal.

This is a great day because I am challenging my ego mind to consider, that what I was feeling earlier today was a gift; that what I was feeling when I woke up, was challenging to the ego.

The thoughts I was thinking were, this person is supposed to be inspiring. Glennon Doyle is supposed to be a "truth teller." She isn't supposed to be sarcastic. She isn't supposed to leave me feeling upset and confused. I was listening to her on an interview with Jen Hatmaker (For the Love Podcast).

It reminds me of a judgment I had against Brené Brown the other day while listening to her in an interview with Russell Brand. My thoughts were like, she is so negative. What is she thinking, sharing her opinion like that? How dare she not be open to "rapture"? What IS this crap?

These two examples are great reflections for me, and I want to unpack them to find out what I need to learn.

It makes me want to write out The Work [of Byron Katie] on these two situations. Byron Katie calls it a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet, which is a free download at thework.com.

But, even without doing a whole worksheet on Glennon and Brené, I am seeing some great reflections. When I see Glennon in my mind, I am holding some major judgments in my mind against her, she is so negative, she is... And, I have to actually close my eyes and get still for this... she is too negative... she is just upsetting herself with embracing her suffering... she is a martyr... she is... 

For both Brené and Glennon, I have judgments that, they are not open to feeling great. 

This is where I find The Work to be so helpful. How many times have I been completely closed to feeling good? How many times have I not been open to joy, and bliss, and rapture? I have worn depression like a coat of armor, protecting myself from feeling pain, and it didn't work. My depression cloak only increased my suffering. 

So, as it turns out, these reflections had nothing to do with Glennon or Brené. It was all about me. 

I am so grateful to have these reflections in my life. They point me back to myself. And, they also remind me look at the reflections in my family.

I have judged my dad so harshly for hitting me. 

How many times have I actually physically hit myself in the head? More times than he did. It doesn't justify him hitting me, but I want to end the violence that is happening in my mind, right now!!! I am berating myself with negative thinking. I am berating myself for not working enough, for having to ask for financial help from my parents, for not feeling up to getting out there and start working. I have been berating myself for not feeling good. 

And, the only way I know how to stop judging myself is to judge my neighbor, on paper, get still, notice the situation, and find out what their reflection is pointing to in me. Their reflection is pointing out why I am in pain. 

So, my advice, my assignment to me, is to write a Worksheet [Judge-Your-Neighbor] on my Dad from that situation when he was standing over me hitting me in the face. My assignment is to go there, in my mind, and see if there was something I missed.

Maybe what I was feeling wasn't pain, maybe it was something else, maybe it was love for my father, who was so confused, and was in so much pain, that he lashed out. Maybe what I was feeling was compassion for someone who was so lost in his suffering that he would assault his own child. If I had to choose, would I want to be the child in that picture, or the parent? Which is more painful? 

For me the parent is more painful. I would choose to be the child. 

I look back now, and I feel compassion for my dad. I don't feel hatred.

Yesterday, for the first time, I confessed out loud to my brother, it wasn't my fault that my dad hit me. Period.

It was so liberating.

And, now I am going one step further, I am feeling love for my dad. The pain is gone. It may come up again, but I have a tool to help me get free again. And, I look forward to it coming up again, because I love to set myself free from pain and suffering.

I love my dad. On one hand he is guilty. He hit me. On the other hand he is innocent. He was only hitting himself. Again, it doesn't justify his action. But, I am saying this for me. He hurt me with his fist. That was pain, but instead of letting it end there, I added hundreds of hours of suffering by blaming him, and blaming myself for provoking him. No. I was doing my best. He was doing his best. It doesn't justify the assault. But, I want an end to my suffering, so I have to find out the real cause. It's interesting because, when I was on the ground being hit, my body was is shock, and I could feel the blows. I am so grateful for that gift of grace. 

I love my dad. I forgive him for hitting me. And, it doesn't mean I am going to force myself to be a doormat to him again. He may have started the fight, but it ends with me. I didn't hit him back, other than to get him off me, so that I could run out the door. I ran to a friend's house, and stayed there for three weeks to be safe. I am so proud of myself for stopping the war in my home.

I forgive him, so that I can be free. I forgive him, so that I can end the war with myself, the war with my mind. Not that he set me free. I set myself free by forgiving him. I can see, now, why he did what he did. He had a part in my suffering, clearly he did. He slammed me in the face, over and over, but he is not responsible for the solution. That is up to me. If I want to end my suffering, there is a way to be free: it is called telling the truth to myself about what really happened: he hit me, I left. I blamed myself and I blamed him for 24 years. I berated myself for provoking my beloved dad. 

And, now I am done hurting myself that way, and I am going to do everything I can, to notice if I ever do that again.

That is my promise to me.

In conclusion, I feel so free in this moment. I love myself. I love my dad. I love my brothers. I love my mom, and my sister. I love Brené. I love Glennon. 

I am so grateful to be free from pain and suffering. I am so grateful to be "in the zone." [flow] I am so grateful to be in joy. I am so grateful to be in bliss. 

This is a great day because my suffering is gone and I am free to be of service to others.

This is a great day because I am free to be me; I am free to love me.

I love you, Matthew! I love you, world!