Kind Words To Myself

My dearest Matthew,

The universe (God, Love, all that is) is with you, saying: I support you. I love you. I am here for you. If you ask for what you want and need, and ask with intention, gratitude, and the expectation that you will receive it, you will feel the evidence of the abundant energy within you. You will feel deeply your connection to the divine.

Have a most wonderful day! ❤️💛💚💙💜 🙏

-the God that is within you.

Practicing Gratitude

This is amazing. I don't think I have ever felt so full, and overflowing with abundance. My heart is so grateful. 

I have allowed myself to fully feel the abundance that is around me. 

I am celebrating that. 

The generosity of the universe is like a sweet and gentle rain on my face today. It is falling on the cracks of a parched earth. The earth is so ready for a magnificent display of the generosity of the divine.

God's wealth is flowing in me in avalanches of abundance.

I am so grateful to be a partner in my own evolution. My heart is evolving and growing and changing and receiving. I am a conduit of energy and grace and forgiveness and gratitude. 

Only peace remains in the garden of awareness. Only peace can be found in the glorious overflowing garden of grace.

I am surrounded by infinite wisdom. I am surrounded by people who support me. 

I am so grateful to be so full of joy.

I am healing myself of poverty.

I have completely embraced this gift.

I asked to feel abundance.

I received the feeling of abundance.

I am attracting everything I need to feel abundance.

I am abundance.

Letter To Grace

Dear Grace,

I called myself today, out of the darkness, out of sadness, grief, and depression. I found great freedom from questioning only one concept that I was believing. I was able to identify the self defeating thinking that was causing me pain.

I laughed, and I am feeling so much better, now.

I thought of you before I called out to myself. I thought of you, Grace. You are the Grace of God. You are a precious gift to my life. You answered my prayer. I am so grateful.

I am so grateful for your support.

Our last exchange was profound, and this one is equally liberating. I am getting the help that I need, now. I am still on the path, and I won't ever give up. I am renewing that promise to myself.

I believe that I will accomplish my goals, and that my needs will be met as they arise.

I am held by the universe, and am safe in the home that is my heart.

I am so grateful to God.

I am one with God, and God is everything.

Thanks so much for the work that you do. 

I want to serve in that same way.

Thank you for being an inspiration, and a clear mirror for me.

Love,

Matthew

Is She Worth It? Journal Entry With Commentary

[Warning***: Adult Language]

Journal Entry from 6/27/2019:

Is it worth it?

Is she worth it?

FUCK NO.

DONE.

Is she worth one more moment of your time?

Fuck no.

DONE.

She can't even show up to the conversation. 

Done.

She can't even respond to a text.

Done.

And, done.

I feel supported.

Thank you.

Commentary:

I find it helpful, when I am feeling stuck, to journal as honestly as possible about what I am feeling, and the thoughts that are arising.

This entry helped me to break the obsessive thinking pattern in its tracks. My mind was in a self defeating thinking pattern that has been a struggle for me for at least ten years, and if I am really honest, 39 years.

Love Letter To Myself (Unedited)

I just wrote this, and went from sadness to safety. I am safe in the heart that is my eternal home.

I am so grateful to be a part of all this.

Thank you, Universe, for answering my prayer today. 

I am feeling so good.

I am held in the arms of love today.

My prayer today:

Dear Universe,

I just poured out my heart on social media, to almost no response whatsoever. 

What do I have to do? Do I have to say the actual words, I am going to kill myself, and keep repeating myself over and over, until I someone hears me, until I hear an honest response from someone? What is it going to take? I am so exhausted? I am so tired of trying to make myself feel better. I am so sick of the advice in my head. I am so sick of the stream of advice running through my head.

I have to start with something other than advice.

I have to start from another place.

I have to begin from my heart.

I have to start with a love letter to myself:

Dearest Matthew, dearest friend, my dearest love and companion, this is my love letter to you, 

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. 

This is my song to you.

This is my prayer for you.

This is my prayer from the universe to you.

Please know that for some people, it is in their hearts to say this to you.

Please be patient.

Please understand that they love you.

Please understand that they are doing the best that they can.

This is my love letter to you,

I love you. I am here for you. I support you.

I love you. I am here for you. I support you.

Thank you for your courage. 

It's like Brené Brown says, "talk to yourself like you would someone you love..."

You are beautiful in all your ways...

You are beautiful in all your ways...

You are so beautiful.

You are so beautiful.

As it says in the song Beautiful by MercyMe

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

Days will come when you don't have the strength

When all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And, of they ever saw your heart, they'd see too much

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was...

I'm praying that you have the heart to fight...

You are beautiful

You're beautiful

You are welcome here

Long before the world began

Thank you, my love

I love you with all of my heart

I am looking deeply into the mirror and can see clearly, that I am loved beyond all comprehension

I am so grateful.

I am so grateful.

I am so fucking beautiful.

I am so fucking beautiful...

And, now I am laughing...

Thank you so much, Universe.

Thank you so much, Love.

Thank you so much, God!!!

God in me and me in God!!!

I am building up my overall energy through perseverance.

I am so grateful to be a partner in my own personal evolution.

I am passionate about ending suffering in my life.

I am passionate about helping other people eliminating suffering in their lives.

I am strong, and my strength comes from within me.

And, I am accessing that strength by having the courage to feel my emotions...

I am beautiful.

I have a beautiful, innocent heart...

I am so grateful...

I am so grateful...

This is my song.

This is my dream for myself.

This is my dream for the world;

To turn pain into joy;

To transform suffering into exuberant energy;

To reframe our thinking that we are experiencing something bad into a gift;

That is my experience today.

I woke up feeling so lost and alone, and now I feel connected and clear, and full of light.

I am so grateful.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, Matthew.

Thank you, God.

We are one.

Thank you, Universe.

God is everything.

God is so good.

So good...

So good!!!!

Woohoo!!!

Peace.

Honest Prayer To The Universe

Dear Universe,

I just poured out my heart on social media, to almost no response whatsoever. 

What do I have to do? Do I have to say the actual words, I am going to kill myself, and keep repeating myself over and over, until I someone hears me, until I hear an honest response from someone? What is it going to take? I am so exhausted? I am so tired of trying to make myself feel better. I am so sick of the advice in my head. I am so sick of the stream of advice running through my head.

I have to start with something other than advice.

I have to start from another place.

I have to begin from my heart.

I have to start with a love letter to myself. 

Prayer Part 2: Answer To Prayer [ADULT LANGUAGE WARNING*** Please be aware there are many F-Bombs at the end of this Post. ADULT LANGUAGE WARNING***]

[ADULT LANGUAGE WARNING*** Please be aware there are many F-Bombs at the end of this Post. ADULT LANGUAGE WARNING***]

Prayer Part 2: Answer To Prayer

Answer to my Prayer:

Even the tiniest shift can spark a miraculous encounter. I am reminded of the wonderful line in the movie Contact (1997) with Jodie Foster, when her character's beloved father says to her "Small moves, Ellie, small moves..."

I was moved even before heading to the kitchen, to find the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. 

Her famous prayer on the bathroom floor reminded me of the power of taking that first, most courageous step, and trusting that the universe will hold us, and care for us, and that God will show up for me in the right timing.

And, show up the Universe did. I feel so full as I write these words. I feel so full, and alive. 

I have realized in listening to Liz Gilbert's words in her podcast and in her book, that I need to recognize the beast that is following me. It is my story. It is my song. It is knocking down my mother fucking door. It is going to fucking eat me alive if I don't fucking write this mother fucking shit down!!! Holy shit!!!

I better recognize!!!

Oh, shit!!!

So, here I am, empowered again to write like a FEIRCE BADASS MOTHER FUCKER!!! I am going to embrace my inner monster, my inner dragon, my inner beast.

I think I am going to call him Feast. Feast, "The MOTHER FUCKIN' BEAST"

Feast "the mutha fuckin' Beast"

Who cares what I call it. I just need to make sure that I am following this inner guidance, reminding me of the importance of creating the things that are rumbling in my heart, and have the courage to let them out.

"Do you have the courage? Do you have the courage to bring forth this work? The treasures that are hidden inside you are hoping you say yes." -quote by Jack Gilbert (as written the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert)

Support Letter to Myself

Thursday, June 27, 2019

Dear Matthew,

I love you. I support you. I appreciate you. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for the fact that you contribute to the peace in the world. Thank you for sense of humor and your smile. Thank you for your honest being. Thank you for not endlessly running around trying to fix everyone and everything. Thank you for listening to yourself, and treating yourself well. Thank you for giving yourself the gift of forgiveness. 

I love you, and I am so grateful to know you. You are my best friend. You are my love. You are the lover of my soul. And, even when you are giving everything you have to love your neighbor, you are still with me. You never leave me to be with someone better. Because there is no one more important to me than you.

Love, 

Matt

First Memory

I am watching a the Netflix documentary on Tony Robbins, and had this realization that when I was two years old, I made a decision about love, I made a decision about God, based on a judgment I made, about something my grandfather said about me. 

At the time, I believed he was making fun of me, but I can see now that he was only trying to be funny. He was only trying to bring joy and laughter to the situation.

This is something I have continued to carry throughout my life.

Right now, I am faced with the same decision.

A person on the doc asked Tony's wife, Sage, how can I feel safe, inside? how can I know that I am safe? And, Sage said something to the effect, by trusting, by knowing that you're guided. By knowing that in the right time, [the universe] will show up for you. 

This really hits home with me, because I am right in the middle of a situation that requires trust.

I am held.

I am held by the universe.

The universe has my back.

I can rest, and trust that the energy will come when the time is right.

I will do everything I can to show up in the moment and do my part.

I will do everything I can to trust that God will do his part.

God is giving me the direction I need. And, part of that direction is rest, and listening, and taking time to write, and chill, and even embrace the word lazy, which is the dirtiest of dirty words to me.

The direction from God is stillness.

That could change at any moment, but for now it is walking to the kitchen, brewing some coffee, and making a salad.

Am I going to trust that the universe has my back?

Yes.

I am going to practice knowing that God will show up for me at the right time.

Love Letter to Myself (Edited)

I went from sadness, to safety. I am safe in the heart that is my eternal home.

I am so grateful to be a part of all this.

Thank you, Universe, for answering my prayer today. 

I am feeling so good.

I am held in the arms of love today.

I have to start with something other than advice.

I have to start from another place.

I have to begin from my heart.

I have to start with a love letter to myself: 

I woke up feeling like I needed some extra support today, so I wrote this:

Dearest Matthew, my dearest friend, my dearest love and companion, this is my love letter to you, 

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. 

This is my song to you.

This is my prayer for you.

This is my prayer from the universe to you.

Please know that for some people, it is in their hearts to say this to you: 

Please be patient.

Please understand that they love you.

Please understand that they are doing the best that they can.

This is my love letter to you,

I love you. I am here for you. I support you.

I love you. I am here for you. I support you.

Thank you for your courage. 

It's like Brené Brown says, "talk to yourself like you would someone you love..."

You are beautiful in all your ways...

You are beautiful in all your ways...

You are so beautiful.

You are so beautiful.

As it says in the song Beautiful by MercyMe:

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

Days will come when you don't have the strength

When all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And, of they ever saw your heart, they'd see too much

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious... 

I'm praying that you have the heart to fight...

You are beautiful

You're beautiful

You are welcome here

Long before the world began

Thank you, my love

I love you with all of my heart

I am looking deeply into the mirror and can see clearly, that I am loved beyond all comprehension

I am so grateful.

I am so grateful.

I am so f***ing beautiful.

I am so f***ing beautiful...

And, now I am laughing...

Thank you so much, Universe.

Thank you so much, Love.

Thank you so much, God!!!

God in me and me in God!!!

I am building up my overall energy through perseverance.

I am so grateful to be a partner in my own personal evolution.

I am passionate about ending suffering in my life.

I am passionate about helping other people eliminating suffering in their lives.

I am strong, and my strength comes from within me.

And, I am accessing that strength by having the courage to feel my emotions...

I am beautiful.

I have a beautiful, innocent heart...

I am so grateful...

I am so grateful...

This is my song.

This is my dream for myself.

This is my dream for the world;

To turn pain into joy;

To transform suffering into exuberant energy;

To reframe our thinking that we are experiencing something bad into a gift;

That is my experience today.

I woke up feeling so lost and alone, and now I feel connected and clear, and full of light.

I am so grateful.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, Matthew.

Thank you, God.

We are one.

Thank you, Universe.

God is everything.

God is so good.

So good...

So good!!!!

Woohoo!!!

Peace.

Love, 

Matthew

Inspired to Ask for Support After Listening to Ellen DeGeneres' interview on David Letterman's Netflix show, My Next Guest.

I am inspired to say this:
It wasn't my fault. My father assaulted me. It wasn't my fault. Period.
I need practice talking about this.
Two days ago, I called my brother and said for the first time without blaming myself, that I was assaulted by my father, and that it wasn't my fault.
I am asking for help with this. I am asking for support. All I want is to hear the words, "I am here for you. I support you. I love you." I am open to advice, but what I would really like the most from the universe, from people, from God, is to hear the words, "I support you. I am here for you. I love you."
Last night I received that from perfect strangers. I asked my customers if I could get personal, and I shared my story. I gave them a Lyft home, and they offered me hugs and kind words. As I write this, I am so grateful. My heart feels warm, and I am experiencing feeling deeply loved. I want more of this. I am asking the universe for help.

It wasn't my fault. My father physically assaulted me with his fists, 24 years ago, on three separate occasions.
"Even the lowest whisper can be heard over armies, when it is telling the truth...." -one of my favorite quotes from the film The Interpreter.
I need to get real. I need to be perfectly clear.
I forgive him. I have no plans to confront him. I have already tried to talk to him about it. I think he tried to hear me as best he could. I am open to talking to him about it in the future. I love him, but I am still afraid of him. I am afraid that he will try to bully me again, verbally. I am afraid that he will try to hurt me again, with words. He is too frail to try and hit me again.
I need to be able to talk about this, for me. And, I think it might help at least one other person get real about abuse, whether it be just physical, like in my case, or worse, being taken advantage of, sexually. I want to honor anyone who has experienced that. I want to say, "I am here for you. I support you. I love you."
Perhaps I do need to talk about this with a therapist. I am open to that. I have actually done that recently. I am open to doing that again.
I don't want anything from my dad. I just want to be as free as possible to live my life without carrying this burden alone. I have thought about asking for an apology, but that just makes me feel worse. I just want to be held by the universe, and to know it even more fully that I am safe in the arms of God.
I am laying my burden down.
Yes, this is a cry for help. And, I am not going to shut up so that people are comfortable. Yes, there is a place for therapy, and this may not be the "appropriate" place. But, I need to know that I am brave. I don't want to hide in a closet anymore.
Yes, this is completely selfish, but I think talking about this is a selfishness that is beneficial to all people.
I am a truth teller. I am here to share my story.

We are all in this together. I love you all. All are welcome in my company.
I am asking the universe for friends who will support me. I thought of Glennon Doyle, and Elizabeth Gilbert, and several others, that they probably know tons of people like that.
So here goes. Please, God, Devine Universe, please surround me with people who will support me.
Please send me truth tellers who won't just throw advice at me to shut me up. Please fill my life with friendships that are strong, challenge me to go deeper, and be honest with myself.
Please surround me with courageous people.

Even as I write this I am starting to see faces. I am starting to realize that my prayer is already answered.
I feel great gratitude.

Ask, and it is given.
Love,

Matt