I am inspired to say this:
It wasn't my fault. My father assaulted me. It wasn't my fault. Period.
I need practice talking about this.
Two days ago, I called my brother and said for the first time without blaming myself, that I was assaulted by my father, and that it wasn't my fault.
I am asking for help with this. I am asking for support. All I want is to hear the words, "I am here for you. I support you. I love you." I am open to advice, but what I would really like the most from the universe, from people, from God, is to hear the words, "I support you. I am here for you. I love you."
Last night I received that from perfect strangers. I asked my customers if I could get personal, and I shared my story. I gave them a Lyft home, and they offered me hugs and kind words. As I write this, I am so grateful. My heart feels warm, and I am experiencing feeling deeply loved. I want more of this. I am asking the universe for help.
It wasn't my fault. My father assaulted me. It wasn't my fault. Period.
I need practice talking about this.
Two days ago, I called my brother and said for the first time without blaming myself, that I was assaulted by my father, and that it wasn't my fault.
I am asking for help with this. I am asking for support. All I want is to hear the words, "I am here for you. I support you. I love you." I am open to advice, but what I would really like the most from the universe, from people, from God, is to hear the words, "I support you. I am here for you. I love you."
Last night I received that from perfect strangers. I asked my customers if I could get personal, and I shared my story. I gave them a Lyft home, and they offered me hugs and kind words. As I write this, I am so grateful. My heart feels warm, and I am experiencing feeling deeply loved. I want more of this. I am asking the universe for help.
It wasn't my fault. My father physically assaulted me with his fists, 24 years ago, on three separate occasions.
"Even the lowest whisper can be heard over armies, when it is telling the truth...." -one of my favorite quotes from the film The Interpreter.
I need to get real. I need to be perfectly clear.
I forgive him. I have no plans to confront him. I have already tried to talk to him about it. I think he tried to hear me as best he could. I am open to talking to him about it in the future. I love him, but I am still afraid of him. I am afraid that he will try to bully me again, verbally. I am afraid that he will try to hurt me again, with words. He is too frail to try and hit me again.
I need to be able to talk about this, for me. And, I think it might help at least one other person get real about abuse, whether it be just physical, like in my case, or worse, being taken advantage of, sexually. I want to honor anyone who has experienced that. I want to say, "I am here for you. I support you. I love you."
Perhaps I do need to talk about this with a therapist. I am open to that. I have actually done that recently. I am open to doing that again.
I don't want anything from my dad. I just want to be as free as possible to live my life without carrying this burden alone. I have thought about asking for an apology, but that just makes me feel worse. I just want to be held by the universe, and to know it even more fully that I am safe in the arms of God.
I am laying my burden down.
Yes, this is a cry for help. And, I am not going to shut up so that people are comfortable. Yes, there is a place for therapy, and this may not be the "appropriate" place. But, I need to know that I am brave. I don't want to hide in a closet anymore.
Yes, this is completely selfish, but I think talking about this is a selfishness that is beneficial to all people.
I am a truth teller. I am here to share my story.
"Even the lowest whisper can be heard over armies, when it is telling the truth...." -one of my favorite quotes from the film The Interpreter.
I need to get real. I need to be perfectly clear.
I forgive him. I have no plans to confront him. I have already tried to talk to him about it. I think he tried to hear me as best he could. I am open to talking to him about it in the future. I love him, but I am still afraid of him. I am afraid that he will try to bully me again, verbally. I am afraid that he will try to hurt me again, with words. He is too frail to try and hit me again.
I need to be able to talk about this, for me. And, I think it might help at least one other person get real about abuse, whether it be just physical, like in my case, or worse, being taken advantage of, sexually. I want to honor anyone who has experienced that. I want to say, "I am here for you. I support you. I love you."
Perhaps I do need to talk about this with a therapist. I am open to that. I have actually done that recently. I am open to doing that again.
I don't want anything from my dad. I just want to be as free as possible to live my life without carrying this burden alone. I have thought about asking for an apology, but that just makes me feel worse. I just want to be held by the universe, and to know it even more fully that I am safe in the arms of God.
I am laying my burden down.
Yes, this is a cry for help. And, I am not going to shut up so that people are comfortable. Yes, there is a place for therapy, and this may not be the "appropriate" place. But, I need to know that I am brave. I don't want to hide in a closet anymore.
Yes, this is completely selfish, but I think talking about this is a selfishness that is beneficial to all people.
I am a truth teller. I am here to share my story.
We are all in this together. I love you all. All are welcome in my company.
I am asking the universe for friends who will support me. I thought of Glennon Doyle, and Elizabeth Gilbert, and several others, that they probably know tons of people like that.
So here goes. Please, God, Devine Universe, please surround me with people who will support me.
Please send me truth tellers who won't just throw advice at me to shut me up. Please fill my life with friendships that are strong, challenge me to go deeper, and be honest with myself.
Please surround me with courageous people.
I am asking the universe for friends who will support me. I thought of Glennon Doyle, and Elizabeth Gilbert, and several others, that they probably know tons of people like that.
So here goes. Please, God, Devine Universe, please surround me with people who will support me.
Please send me truth tellers who won't just throw advice at me to shut me up. Please fill my life with friendships that are strong, challenge me to go deeper, and be honest with myself.
Please surround me with courageous people.
Even as I write this I am starting to see faces. I am starting to realize that my prayer is already answered.
I feel great gratitude.
I feel great gratitude.
Ask, and it is given.
Love,
Love,
Matt
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