Kind Words To Myself

My dearest Matthew,

The universe (God, Love, all that is) is with you, saying: I support you. I love you. I am here for you. If you ask for what you want and need, and ask with intention, gratitude, and the expectation that you will receive it, you will feel the evidence of the abundant energy within you. You will feel deeply your connection to the divine.

Have a most wonderful day! ❤️💛💚💙💜 🙏

-the God that is within you.

Practicing Gratitude

This is amazing. I don't think I have ever felt so full, and overflowing with abundance. My heart is so grateful. 

I have allowed myself to fully feel the abundance that is around me. 

I am celebrating that. 

The generosity of the universe is like a sweet and gentle rain on my face today. It is falling on the cracks of a parched earth. The earth is so ready for a magnificent display of the generosity of the divine.

God's wealth is flowing in me in avalanches of abundance.

I am so grateful to be a partner in my own evolution. My heart is evolving and growing and changing and receiving. I am a conduit of energy and grace and forgiveness and gratitude. 

Only peace remains in the garden of awareness. Only peace can be found in the glorious overflowing garden of grace.

I am surrounded by infinite wisdom. I am surrounded by people who support me. 

I am so grateful to be so full of joy.

I am healing myself of poverty.

I have completely embraced this gift.

I asked to feel abundance.

I received the feeling of abundance.

I am attracting everything I need to feel abundance.

I am abundance.

Letter To Grace

Dear Grace,

I called myself today, out of the darkness, out of sadness, grief, and depression. I found great freedom from questioning only one concept that I was believing. I was able to identify the self defeating thinking that was causing me pain.

I laughed, and I am feeling so much better, now.

I thought of you before I called out to myself. I thought of you, Grace. You are the Grace of God. You are a precious gift to my life. You answered my prayer. I am so grateful.

I am so grateful for your support.

Our last exchange was profound, and this one is equally liberating. I am getting the help that I need, now. I am still on the path, and I won't ever give up. I am renewing that promise to myself.

I believe that I will accomplish my goals, and that my needs will be met as they arise.

I am held by the universe, and am safe in the home that is my heart.

I am so grateful to God.

I am one with God, and God is everything.

Thanks so much for the work that you do. 

I want to serve in that same way.

Thank you for being an inspiration, and a clear mirror for me.

Love,

Matthew

Is She Worth It? Journal Entry With Commentary

[Warning***: Adult Language]

Journal Entry from 6/27/2019:

Is it worth it?

Is she worth it?

FUCK NO.

DONE.

Is she worth one more moment of your time?

Fuck no.

DONE.

She can't even show up to the conversation. 

Done.

She can't even respond to a text.

Done.

And, done.

I feel supported.

Thank you.

Commentary:

I find it helpful, when I am feeling stuck, to journal as honestly as possible about what I am feeling, and the thoughts that are arising.

This entry helped me to break the obsessive thinking pattern in its tracks. My mind was in a self defeating thinking pattern that has been a struggle for me for at least ten years, and if I am really honest, 39 years.

Love Letter To Myself (Unedited)

I just wrote this, and went from sadness to safety. I am safe in the heart that is my eternal home.

I am so grateful to be a part of all this.

Thank you, Universe, for answering my prayer today. 

I am feeling so good.

I am held in the arms of love today.

My prayer today:

Dear Universe,

I just poured out my heart on social media, to almost no response whatsoever. 

What do I have to do? Do I have to say the actual words, I am going to kill myself, and keep repeating myself over and over, until I someone hears me, until I hear an honest response from someone? What is it going to take? I am so exhausted? I am so tired of trying to make myself feel better. I am so sick of the advice in my head. I am so sick of the stream of advice running through my head.

I have to start with something other than advice.

I have to start from another place.

I have to begin from my heart.

I have to start with a love letter to myself:

Dearest Matthew, dearest friend, my dearest love and companion, this is my love letter to you, 

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. 

This is my song to you.

This is my prayer for you.

This is my prayer from the universe to you.

Please know that for some people, it is in their hearts to say this to you.

Please be patient.

Please understand that they love you.

Please understand that they are doing the best that they can.

This is my love letter to you,

I love you. I am here for you. I support you.

I love you. I am here for you. I support you.

Thank you for your courage. 

It's like Brené Brown says, "talk to yourself like you would someone you love..."

You are beautiful in all your ways...

You are beautiful in all your ways...

You are so beautiful.

You are so beautiful.

As it says in the song Beautiful by MercyMe

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

Days will come when you don't have the strength

When all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And, of they ever saw your heart, they'd see too much

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was...

I'm praying that you have the heart to fight...

You are beautiful

You're beautiful

You are welcome here

Long before the world began

Thank you, my love

I love you with all of my heart

I am looking deeply into the mirror and can see clearly, that I am loved beyond all comprehension

I am so grateful.

I am so grateful.

I am so fucking beautiful.

I am so fucking beautiful...

And, now I am laughing...

Thank you so much, Universe.

Thank you so much, Love.

Thank you so much, God!!!

God in me and me in God!!!

I am building up my overall energy through perseverance.

I am so grateful to be a partner in my own personal evolution.

I am passionate about ending suffering in my life.

I am passionate about helping other people eliminating suffering in their lives.

I am strong, and my strength comes from within me.

And, I am accessing that strength by having the courage to feel my emotions...

I am beautiful.

I have a beautiful, innocent heart...

I am so grateful...

I am so grateful...

This is my song.

This is my dream for myself.

This is my dream for the world;

To turn pain into joy;

To transform suffering into exuberant energy;

To reframe our thinking that we are experiencing something bad into a gift;

That is my experience today.

I woke up feeling so lost and alone, and now I feel connected and clear, and full of light.

I am so grateful.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, Matthew.

Thank you, God.

We are one.

Thank you, Universe.

God is everything.

God is so good.

So good...

So good!!!!

Woohoo!!!

Peace.

Honest Prayer To The Universe

Dear Universe,

I just poured out my heart on social media, to almost no response whatsoever. 

What do I have to do? Do I have to say the actual words, I am going to kill myself, and keep repeating myself over and over, until I someone hears me, until I hear an honest response from someone? What is it going to take? I am so exhausted? I am so tired of trying to make myself feel better. I am so sick of the advice in my head. I am so sick of the stream of advice running through my head.

I have to start with something other than advice.

I have to start from another place.

I have to begin from my heart.

I have to start with a love letter to myself. 

Prayer Part 2: Answer To Prayer [ADULT LANGUAGE WARNING*** Please be aware there are many F-Bombs at the end of this Post. ADULT LANGUAGE WARNING***]

[ADULT LANGUAGE WARNING*** Please be aware there are many F-Bombs at the end of this Post. ADULT LANGUAGE WARNING***]

Prayer Part 2: Answer To Prayer

Answer to my Prayer:

Even the tiniest shift can spark a miraculous encounter. I am reminded of the wonderful line in the movie Contact (1997) with Jodie Foster, when her character's beloved father says to her "Small moves, Ellie, small moves..."

I was moved even before heading to the kitchen, to find the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. 

Her famous prayer on the bathroom floor reminded me of the power of taking that first, most courageous step, and trusting that the universe will hold us, and care for us, and that God will show up for me in the right timing.

And, show up the Universe did. I feel so full as I write these words. I feel so full, and alive. 

I have realized in listening to Liz Gilbert's words in her podcast and in her book, that I need to recognize the beast that is following me. It is my story. It is my song. It is knocking down my mother fucking door. It is going to fucking eat me alive if I don't fucking write this mother fucking shit down!!! Holy shit!!!

I better recognize!!!

Oh, shit!!!

So, here I am, empowered again to write like a FEIRCE BADASS MOTHER FUCKER!!! I am going to embrace my inner monster, my inner dragon, my inner beast.

I think I am going to call him Feast. Feast, "The MOTHER FUCKIN' BEAST"

Feast "the mutha fuckin' Beast"

Who cares what I call it. I just need to make sure that I am following this inner guidance, reminding me of the importance of creating the things that are rumbling in my heart, and have the courage to let them out.

"Do you have the courage? Do you have the courage to bring forth this work? The treasures that are hidden inside you are hoping you say yes." -quote by Jack Gilbert (as written the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert)

Support Letter to Myself

Thursday, June 27, 2019

Dear Matthew,

I love you. I support you. I appreciate you. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for the fact that you contribute to the peace in the world. Thank you for sense of humor and your smile. Thank you for your honest being. Thank you for not endlessly running around trying to fix everyone and everything. Thank you for listening to yourself, and treating yourself well. Thank you for giving yourself the gift of forgiveness. 

I love you, and I am so grateful to know you. You are my best friend. You are my love. You are the lover of my soul. And, even when you are giving everything you have to love your neighbor, you are still with me. You never leave me to be with someone better. Because there is no one more important to me than you.

Love, 

Matt

First Memory

I am watching a the Netflix documentary on Tony Robbins, and had this realization that when I was two years old, I made a decision about love, I made a decision about God, based on a judgment I made, about something my grandfather said about me. 

At the time, I believed he was making fun of me, but I can see now that he was only trying to be funny. He was only trying to bring joy and laughter to the situation.

This is something I have continued to carry throughout my life.

Right now, I am faced with the same decision.

A person on the doc asked Tony's wife, Sage, how can I feel safe, inside? how can I know that I am safe? And, Sage said something to the effect, by trusting, by knowing that you're guided. By knowing that in the right time, [the universe] will show up for you. 

This really hits home with me, because I am right in the middle of a situation that requires trust.

I am held.

I am held by the universe.

The universe has my back.

I can rest, and trust that the energy will come when the time is right.

I will do everything I can to show up in the moment and do my part.

I will do everything I can to trust that God will do his part.

God is giving me the direction I need. And, part of that direction is rest, and listening, and taking time to write, and chill, and even embrace the word lazy, which is the dirtiest of dirty words to me.

The direction from God is stillness.

That could change at any moment, but for now it is walking to the kitchen, brewing some coffee, and making a salad.

Am I going to trust that the universe has my back?

Yes.

I am going to practice knowing that God will show up for me at the right time.

Love Letter to Myself (Edited)

I went from sadness, to safety. I am safe in the heart that is my eternal home.

I am so grateful to be a part of all this.

Thank you, Universe, for answering my prayer today. 

I am feeling so good.

I am held in the arms of love today.

I have to start with something other than advice.

I have to start from another place.

I have to begin from my heart.

I have to start with a love letter to myself: 

I woke up feeling like I needed some extra support today, so I wrote this:

Dearest Matthew, my dearest friend, my dearest love and companion, this is my love letter to you, 

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. I support you. I am here for you.

I love you. 

This is my song to you.

This is my prayer for you.

This is my prayer from the universe to you.

Please know that for some people, it is in their hearts to say this to you: 

Please be patient.

Please understand that they love you.

Please understand that they are doing the best that they can.

This is my love letter to you,

I love you. I am here for you. I support you.

I love you. I am here for you. I support you.

Thank you for your courage. 

It's like Brené Brown says, "talk to yourself like you would someone you love..."

You are beautiful in all your ways...

You are beautiful in all your ways...

You are so beautiful.

You are so beautiful.

As it says in the song Beautiful by MercyMe:

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

Days will come when you don't have the strength

When all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And, of they ever saw your heart, they'd see too much

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious... 

I'm praying that you have the heart to fight...

You are beautiful

You're beautiful

You are welcome here

Long before the world began

Thank you, my love

I love you with all of my heart

I am looking deeply into the mirror and can see clearly, that I am loved beyond all comprehension

I am so grateful.

I am so grateful.

I am so f***ing beautiful.

I am so f***ing beautiful...

And, now I am laughing...

Thank you so much, Universe.

Thank you so much, Love.

Thank you so much, God!!!

God in me and me in God!!!

I am building up my overall energy through perseverance.

I am so grateful to be a partner in my own personal evolution.

I am passionate about ending suffering in my life.

I am passionate about helping other people eliminating suffering in their lives.

I am strong, and my strength comes from within me.

And, I am accessing that strength by having the courage to feel my emotions...

I am beautiful.

I have a beautiful, innocent heart...

I am so grateful...

I am so grateful...

This is my song.

This is my dream for myself.

This is my dream for the world;

To turn pain into joy;

To transform suffering into exuberant energy;

To reframe our thinking that we are experiencing something bad into a gift;

That is my experience today.

I woke up feeling so lost and alone, and now I feel connected and clear, and full of light.

I am so grateful.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, Matthew.

Thank you, God.

We are one.

Thank you, Universe.

God is everything.

God is so good.

So good...

So good!!!!

Woohoo!!!

Peace.

Love, 

Matthew

Inspired to Ask for Support After Listening to Ellen DeGeneres' interview on David Letterman's Netflix show, My Next Guest.

I am inspired to say this:
It wasn't my fault. My father assaulted me. It wasn't my fault. Period.
I need practice talking about this.
Two days ago, I called my brother and said for the first time without blaming myself, that I was assaulted by my father, and that it wasn't my fault.
I am asking for help with this. I am asking for support. All I want is to hear the words, "I am here for you. I support you. I love you." I am open to advice, but what I would really like the most from the universe, from people, from God, is to hear the words, "I support you. I am here for you. I love you."
Last night I received that from perfect strangers. I asked my customers if I could get personal, and I shared my story. I gave them a Lyft home, and they offered me hugs and kind words. As I write this, I am so grateful. My heart feels warm, and I am experiencing feeling deeply loved. I want more of this. I am asking the universe for help.

It wasn't my fault. My father physically assaulted me with his fists, 24 years ago, on three separate occasions.
"Even the lowest whisper can be heard over armies, when it is telling the truth...." -one of my favorite quotes from the film The Interpreter.
I need to get real. I need to be perfectly clear.
I forgive him. I have no plans to confront him. I have already tried to talk to him about it. I think he tried to hear me as best he could. I am open to talking to him about it in the future. I love him, but I am still afraid of him. I am afraid that he will try to bully me again, verbally. I am afraid that he will try to hurt me again, with words. He is too frail to try and hit me again.
I need to be able to talk about this, for me. And, I think it might help at least one other person get real about abuse, whether it be just physical, like in my case, or worse, being taken advantage of, sexually. I want to honor anyone who has experienced that. I want to say, "I am here for you. I support you. I love you."
Perhaps I do need to talk about this with a therapist. I am open to that. I have actually done that recently. I am open to doing that again.
I don't want anything from my dad. I just want to be as free as possible to live my life without carrying this burden alone. I have thought about asking for an apology, but that just makes me feel worse. I just want to be held by the universe, and to know it even more fully that I am safe in the arms of God.
I am laying my burden down.
Yes, this is a cry for help. And, I am not going to shut up so that people are comfortable. Yes, there is a place for therapy, and this may not be the "appropriate" place. But, I need to know that I am brave. I don't want to hide in a closet anymore.
Yes, this is completely selfish, but I think talking about this is a selfishness that is beneficial to all people.
I am a truth teller. I am here to share my story.

We are all in this together. I love you all. All are welcome in my company.
I am asking the universe for friends who will support me. I thought of Glennon Doyle, and Elizabeth Gilbert, and several others, that they probably know tons of people like that.
So here goes. Please, God, Devine Universe, please surround me with people who will support me.
Please send me truth tellers who won't just throw advice at me to shut me up. Please fill my life with friendships that are strong, challenge me to go deeper, and be honest with myself.
Please surround me with courageous people.

Even as I write this I am starting to see faces. I am starting to realize that my prayer is already answered.
I feel great gratitude.

Ask, and it is given.
Love,

Matt

What Would Happen if I Would Trust My Own Intuition?

As I woke up this morning, all of this fear came up, and anger, and even rage toward my dad, and I asked myself, is this conversation worth even one more moment of your time? Is thinking about this situation, and this person** worth the energy you are giving it? No? And, I said to myself, done!!!

I immediately started reminding myself of who I really am, I am so grateful that I am a part of my own personal evolution, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul, I am passionate about ending suffering in my life, I am passionate about helping other people eliminating suffering in their lives, I am strong and my strength comes from within me.

And then, I started thinking about intuition, I told myself, trust what is in your heart, trust that if you follow what is in your heart and be courageous enough to allow every single emotion to resonate through your body without judgment or concern, that you will be held by the universe and you will accomplish what you have set out to do.

These words got me up out of bed, and as I began my morning routine, I was listening to a talk by Gabrielle Bernstein*, and she asked the question, "what would happen if I would let the universe take the lead?" This obviously resounded so much with me because it is something I try so hard to live out in my life. My answer lies in the statement, I will be held by the universe and I will accomplish what I have set out to do.

This reminds me of a post I created about intention, and what I notice in that post is a desire to create an energy in my being, that is my source of wealth. When I was thinking about my rage toward my dad, I reframed that situation with this is fuel energy that I can use to propel me forward. I reframed this powerful feeling, instead of judging it as something bad happening to me, I chose to consider it fuel to propel me forward to accomplishing my goals. That overwhelming anxiety, rage, anger, and fear changed into this exuberant energy that I can use for good. I was able to replace excruciating pain with a a lightweight sense of joy. It was like taking off the heavy cloak of depression and putting on a cape that would allow me to be light on my feet, lighthearted in conversation, and resilient in any circumstance.

Instead of looking at the situation with my dad and seeing pain and trauma, I was able to see light energy, and power, and empowerment, and energy that I can use to move me forward. I was able to transform my suffering in that moment, into energy.

This is my wealth! This is my prosperity! Financial gain is a mere byproduct of a clear mind, a focus, and an exuberant energy, not my only reward.

When I take action out of an energy that is liberating, and uplifting, and empowering, financial gain is a consequence of that, and also a teacher, a great teacher for me. My main reward is that overflowing joy that I feel. My main reward is the gratitude flowing from my heart. My main reward is the overflowing energy that I can use to propel me forward to accomplish my dreams. My main reward is the knowing that I am no longer suffering from the pain of domestic violence. My main reward is knowing that the war stops with me. My main reward is knowing that I don't ever have to pass on that same violence to another human being, including myself.

Blaming myself over and over for something he did is no helping anyone. I am the most important person I will ever meet. The person in the mirror is the most important person we will ever meet. I am taken care of. The war has ended in my home, literally, and metaphorically. I will not.. pass on.. what was given.. to me.

Violence is a disease, and it has a cure. Violence is a treatable condition. And, the cure is a clear mind, that is trained in the art of transforming our pain into energy, and empowerment, without running from our own discomfort.

The cure to violence is igniting a movement in our bodies that brings us into a state of flow, or "the zone." This kind of state of being benefits all people, because we feel connected to our true self, while feeling completely connected to all beings. The ego can't control us when we are in a flow state. The ego must be trained to take the navigator seat. And, this is our work, the emotional work that is training our ego to let our true being, our intuition, do it's job, and lead us on the journey. The cure comes when we realize that there is nothing broken in the first place; our intuition has always known joy. The solution is in training our ego mind to be at one with the heart and play. The solution is in receiving every emotion as energy to fuel us toward self love, and then unconditional love toward others, and then being like a lighthouse for ships caught in the storms of violence, oppression, poverty, and depression.

*I want to give credit to Gabrielle Bernstein, who is a leader and hero of mine, and helped inspire me to write this blog post in her talk "The Universe Has Your Back," on SuperSoul Sessions, Oprah Winfrey Network https://youtu.be/7yiCMxp8Kw4

**I want to make note of the fact that I experienced domestic violence in my home as a child, and though I am forgiving of my dad, I am still working through how to act around him, and how much time, if any, that I want to be around him. I also, am giving myself plenty of space to walk in my own skin after acknowledging to myself that it wasn't my fault, that he used violence toward me. I wasn't my fault that he assaulted me. Period.

Lifting Myself Up Out of Pain to Empowerment

This is a great day because I am loved, and there is a sea of angels surrounding me. 

This is a great day because I am first loved by the captain of my soul, my biggest cheerleader, and the champion of my heart, Matthew Hardy.

That is a relief.

This is a great day because I am so grateful to know that I can rest in the knowledge that if I am stuck on a dessert island, which is a great metaphor for being stuck in our minds... 

If I am on a dessert island, I can be free, and I can overcome any obstacle; that I can survive, and thrive, and be full of energy, and light, and magic, and feel great. 

This is a great day because I am developing the tools that can lift me up out of fear.

This is a great day because I am on a journey through challenges, and difficulties, and I am free to make mistakes, and fall down, and not get it right the first time.

This is a great day because I feel gratitude.

This is a great day because I am willing to listen to other people talk about their experience and their story, and it can be scary to take that it, but it can't hurt me. I don't have to believe it. Another person's truth may not work for me. I am free to choose my own. I am free to choose what works for me.

This is a great day because I am reminded that sarcasm doesn't work for me, unless it lightens a serious mood, and I am crystal clear with my use of it, even actually saying the words "I am joking," or "I am being sarcastic, here." This is a great day because I am learning to be patient with other people who use sarcasm, and I end up feeling confused.

I want to point out that I am faced with the choice, right now, to either go into a rant from the point of view of someone who believes God is a sadistic prick, or to continue spinning each phrase to a positive uplifting statement. I am choosing to spin my phrases toward a positive uplifting statement, because this is my life, and I am creating a life that is full of feeling good, and even great. I am no longer a champion for suffering. I am no longer interested in feeling like crap. I want to feel good!!! I want to feel great!!! I don't want to feel depressed and down, and upset, and disappointed... 

So, I am going to choose to write the words that make me feel good...

This is a great day because I felt disappointment, but I didn't let that pain turn into suffering; I did not let it turn into resentment toward the person who sounded sarcastic to me. 

This is a great day because I realized I just didn't understand where they were coming from, and I asked myself, is this conversation worth one more moment of my time? No? And, I said, done!!!

Now, I find it helpful to have a little healthy debate with myself, to play a little Devil's Advocate: You say you don't want to feel depressed, isn't that avoiding your feelings?

And, I would say, thank you. I can see your point, and I am very interested in feeling my feelings, I am just not interested in judging my feelings as "sad, angry, stressed-out, and anxious." My emotions are fuel for me. When I start to see my feelings as an enemy to be feared, or to fight against, that can exhaust me, and wear me out. Thank you for the question.

This is a great day because my suffering is over. There is always a way out, and the way out is through our emotions. 

This is a great day because the way out is through the emotions we are feeling. On the way in, toward feeling, we might call it pain, but afterward we might call it something else. I choose to call it "good."

The disappointment I was feeling was an opportunity to resolve my judgements about that particular shade/color of feeling; the energy I was feeling was a fuel, to be used to propel me forward. If I am unresolved, about what that disappointment energy is for, then it can lead to great suffering in my life. And, if I can get to the point where I am seeing disappointment as an opportunity, rather than something to be avoided, the feeling itself will be less jarring to my senses, and less uncomfortable to my body. Disappointment will actually be transformed into something beautiful. For me, the word disappointment can feel heavy, and depressing, and pleasing to the ego, that would rather stay stuck, then risk feeling joy, and the fulfillment of a completed goal.

This is a great day because I am challenging my ego mind to consider, that what I was feeling earlier today was a gift; that what I was feeling when I woke up, was challenging to the ego.

The thoughts I was thinking were, this person is supposed to be inspiring. Glennon Doyle is supposed to be a "truth teller." She isn't supposed to be sarcastic. She isn't supposed to leave me feeling upset and confused. I was listening to her on an interview with Jen Hatmaker (For the Love Podcast).

It reminds me of a judgment I had against Brené Brown the other day while listening to her in an interview with Russell Brand. My thoughts were like, she is so negative. What is she thinking, sharing her opinion like that? How dare she not be open to "rapture"? What IS this crap?

These two examples are great reflections for me, and I want to unpack them to find out what I need to learn.

It makes me want to write out The Work [of Byron Katie] on these two situations. Byron Katie calls it a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet, which is a free download at thework.com.

But, even without doing a whole worksheet on Glennon and Brené, I am seeing some great reflections. When I see Glennon in my mind, I am holding some major judgments in my mind against her, she is so negative, she is... And, I have to actually close my eyes and get still for this... she is too negative... she is just upsetting herself with embracing her suffering... she is a martyr... she is... 

For both Brené and Glennon, I have judgments that, they are not open to feeling great. 

This is where I find The Work to be so helpful. How many times have I been completely closed to feeling good? How many times have I not been open to joy, and bliss, and rapture? I have worn depression like a coat of armor, protecting myself from feeling pain, and it didn't work. My depression cloak only increased my suffering. 

So, as it turns out, these reflections had nothing to do with Glennon or Brené. It was all about me. 

I am so grateful to have these reflections in my life. They point me back to myself. And, they also remind me look at the reflections in my family.

I have judged my dad so harshly for hitting me. 

How many times have I actually physically hit myself in the head? More times than he did. It doesn't justify him hitting me, but I want to end the violence that is happening in my mind, right now!!! I am berating myself with negative thinking. I am berating myself for not working enough, for having to ask for financial help from my parents, for not feeling up to getting out there and start working. I have been berating myself for not feeling good. 

And, the only way I know how to stop judging myself is to judge my neighbor, on paper, get still, notice the situation, and find out what their reflection is pointing to in me. Their reflection is pointing out why I am in pain. 

So, my advice, my assignment to me, is to write a Worksheet [Judge-Your-Neighbor] on my Dad from that situation when he was standing over me hitting me in the face. My assignment is to go there, in my mind, and see if there was something I missed.

Maybe what I was feeling wasn't pain, maybe it was something else, maybe it was love for my father, who was so confused, and was in so much pain, that he lashed out. Maybe what I was feeling was compassion for someone who was so lost in his suffering that he would assault his own child. If I had to choose, would I want to be the child in that picture, or the parent? Which is more painful? 

For me the parent is more painful. I would choose to be the child. 

I look back now, and I feel compassion for my dad. I don't feel hatred.

Yesterday, for the first time, I confessed out loud to my brother, it wasn't my fault that my dad hit me. Period.

It was so liberating.

And, now I am going one step further, I am feeling love for my dad. The pain is gone. It may come up again, but I have a tool to help me get free again. And, I look forward to it coming up again, because I love to set myself free from pain and suffering.

I love my dad. On one hand he is guilty. He hit me. On the other hand he is innocent. He was only hitting himself. Again, it doesn't justify his action. But, I am saying this for me. He hurt me with his fist. That was pain, but instead of letting it end there, I added hundreds of hours of suffering by blaming him, and blaming myself for provoking him. No. I was doing my best. He was doing his best. It doesn't justify the assault. But, I want an end to my suffering, so I have to find out the real cause. It's interesting because, when I was on the ground being hit, my body was is shock, and I could feel the blows. I am so grateful for that gift of grace. 

I love my dad. I forgive him for hitting me. And, it doesn't mean I am going to force myself to be a doormat to him again. He may have started the fight, but it ends with me. I didn't hit him back, other than to get him off me, so that I could run out the door. I ran to a friend's house, and stayed there for three weeks to be safe. I am so proud of myself for stopping the war in my home.

I forgive him, so that I can be free. I forgive him, so that I can end the war with myself, the war with my mind. Not that he set me free. I set myself free by forgiving him. I can see, now, why he did what he did. He had a part in my suffering, clearly he did. He slammed me in the face, over and over, but he is not responsible for the solution. That is up to me. If I want to end my suffering, there is a way to be free: it is called telling the truth to myself about what really happened: he hit me, I left. I blamed myself and I blamed him for 24 years. I berated myself for provoking my beloved dad. 

And, now I am done hurting myself that way, and I am going to do everything I can, to notice if I ever do that again.

That is my promise to me.

In conclusion, I feel so free in this moment. I love myself. I love my dad. I love my brothers. I love my mom, and my sister. I love Brené. I love Glennon. 

I am so grateful to be free from pain and suffering. I am so grateful to be "in the zone." [flow] I am so grateful to be in joy. I am so grateful to be in bliss. 

This is a great day because my suffering is gone and I am free to be of service to others.

This is a great day because I am free to be me; I am free to love me.

I love you, Matthew! I love you, world!